Carolyn Hax Live: ‘It’s the midrange that’s burning my retinas’

The first thing I suggest is to redefine what you think of as “moving forward”.

By that I don’t mean give in to what your fiancé wants and move in with him and have a baby. It would not be ‘going ahead’, because both moving in with someone and having a child are choices to be made with full enthusiasm and nothing less (or an absolute necessity and nothing less, because emergencies and unforeseen events occur). You do not have, *do not* agree to these lukewarm.

If he asked me, then I would say the same to him – with the aim of advising him not to push you on the kids and not to push himself into a marriage.

You want what you want, and it’s valid. He wants what he wants, and it’s valid. You don’t want the same things, and that is also valid.

So please tell him about it, bluntly. Let’s say you are not going to move in with him or have a child with him before marriage. Also say that you are not going to push for a marriage, because a forced marriage is not what everyone wants. Then see where you are, see if he hears you.

In fact, you don’t have to explain your position, just seeing something as good for you doesn’t mean you judge what is good for others.

Please also consider that there is a subtext here. I don’t agree that “having a baby with me is a much bigger commitment than marriage”. Creating a person is a huge responsibility, but your commitment is primarily to the child. You can raise a child “together” without speaking to each other. Not good, maybe, but it can be done. A marriage is a commitment to your spouse. Thus, the engagement of marriage is a greater engagement *from you two to each other* that a baby is.

And I think (a) you know that and (b) you wait for the wedding knowing that he’s not 100% committed to you.

Think about it and keep it in mind when you speak. That’s what I mean by allowing “moving forward” to have a new definition: define it as anything that makes sense * to you * given what you learn in these conversations.

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